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Listerine Wants Me Dead

December 3, 2009

In September 2008, I wrote an unkind blog post in which I expressed my deep abhorrence of Listerine Antiseptic Mouthwash commercials. I explained how the enhanced sound of actors swooshing Listerine around in their mouths (courtesy of top-dollar Foley artists, no doubt) is akin to fingernails on a chalkboard. It is a rankling din, and to this day, I can’t understand why Listerine, which is owned by Johnson & Johnson, continues to advertise its product in such a categorically bothersome way. The worst kind of advertising is the kind that creates a negative association with the product, and in this case that disdainful feeling invariably carries over into the supermarket isle. My only intention with the post was to express my hope that Listerine would one day see the folly of its swooshing campaign and stop the commercials altogether.

However, while a handful of readers agreed fervently with me on the matter, the blog post didn’t attract much attention. In fact, it had been all but dormant, virtually unviewed for more than a year, and I eventually chalked the whole thing up to my own idiosyncratic neuroses. Then, at the beginning of this week, something happened. The Listerine post began to attract views, many of them, and they all appeared to be directed by a simple, single-word search term: Listerine.

Since it’s hard to imagine “Listerine” ranking among the world’s most popular search terms, I’ve determined that there can be only one explanation for this anomaly: Someone over at Johnson & Johnson has caught wind of my opinion. The company has clearly launched an internal investigation that will end with a plot to silence me by any means necessary. A $63 billion pharmaceutical company, one of the world’s largest suppliers of health-care products, wants me dead.

I won’t pretend I’m not afraid. However, there is a larger issue at stake here. These commercials, with their Listerine-swooshing actors, must stop, and I’m going on record with this statement just in case I end up dead in a ditch somewhere or floating in the East River. Johnson & Johnson is, after all, based in New Jersey. Granted, it’s in New Brunswick, a place where the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is a drunken Rutgers student singing REM’s “Shiny Happy People” at a karaoke bar, but there is no telling what this big-pharma giant is capable of, and what measures it will take to silence me. If the unthinkable happens, I want this post to propagate my martyrdom.

In a world of global warming, religious extremism, human sex trafficking, deepening economic instability, and Tiger Woods sex scandals, it’s not easy to determine which issues demand immediate attention. But even a single airing of a Listerine commercial is one airing too many. That said, I welcome you to come and get me, Johnson & Johnson. You can’t silence my cause any more than your product can prevent gingivitis.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. Carolina Maine permalink
    December 21, 2009 4:46 am

    At least they don’t have that awful jungle themed music on every time the commercials air….

  2. David B. permalink
    April 27, 2010 4:58 pm

    I think you are completely PARANOID! let me say it again, PARANOID!!!! Listerine is a great product which I use everyday. So what if the commercials aren’t that great, the product itself is. I highly doubt they are out to get you. You probably have Schizophrenia or something if you think Johnson & Johnson is out to get you.

    I hope your able to learn that your mental composure is no longer there and you go get help to regain it. Do it for your family and friends.

  3. Yulysses P. permalink
    May 20, 2010 12:09 am

    Who cares with the commercials? It is just a reminder that it’s been in the market for 100 years and still continues to benefit more users just like me. I think it’s a very good product!

  4. TruthBeTold permalink
    October 24, 2010 7:25 pm

    Get a life! Idiot.

  5. Jaytb permalink
    October 27, 2010 4:12 pm

    LOL! You really are paranoid. Let me help you sleep better at night. It’s not till recently that Europe started with saliva drug tests. Licerine is been known to help you pass any saliva-based drug test. So instead of a large corporate conspiracy breathing down your neck it’s probably just a bunch of potheads who worry about passing a drugtest.
    You should lay of the pot too, only makes you paranoid. Sweet dreams.

  6. Siun permalink
    October 29, 2010 1:28 pm

    I wonder would it fool the breathalyzer ? Might check it out.

  7. Anonymous permalink
    February 10, 2011 2:53 pm

    your a crazy bitch

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